The Table is a way of mind, sure. And it’s aspirational, sure. But it’s also a real, active way of life, and as such it’s a set of habits.

We all want to be more engaged in dynamic relationships of activism and advocacy. We want to be better informed. We want to be more generous. For me, it’s extremely tempting to believe that once I Have All the Right Information—or once I have more time, once my kids are older and my schedule is clearer—those wants will naturally transform into action. But…science and my own experience demonstrate that this isn’t how change actually happens.

It’s a truism for a reason: the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. We make major changes by making small changes. We make small changes by deciding to, and by working specifically to put them in place.

Yes, our available resources will change over time. But 1. I don’t want to wait to start being a Table person, and 2. Even once I have more time, it’ll be easier to continue what I’ve started than to start something new.

How to build a new habit

Last week I invited you to identify one Table habit you’d like to build over the summer. This week: a quick-and-dirty summary of my research into how to build that habit. (I’m working here from Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit, James Clear’s Atomic Habits, Jen Sincero’s Badass Habits—all, admittedly, pop-science books with sometimes dubious grounding and a lot of filler, but also some good, helpful ideas.)

This is round one; we’ll spiral to Advanced Habit Formation and Troubleshooting later. Of course everyone's process will be different, but these seem to be useful tools regardless of personal style.

Get a pen and paper; there are prompts! Ready? (*clears throat*)

Principle: IDENTITY leads to SYSTEMS lead to BEHAVIORS.

Habit is less about what we’re doing than who we’re becoming. Our lives consist largely of our habits; they add up to make us who we are.

The best habit formation begins with deciding who we want to be. James Clear, bless his heart, offers “two steps to changing your identity” hahahaHAAAAAhaha: “Decide the type of person you want to be; prove it to yourself with small wins.” As a chronic overthinker, I very much appreciate this simplicity, actually! And it does make a strange kind of sense!

So:

Step 1: Thinking about the habit you want to build this summer, finish the following sentence, aspirationally: “I am the kind of person who…” (gives to people in need? takes daily time to center myself and get in touch with God? learns from people who are different from me?) IT IS KIND OF WOO-WOO, YES.

Principle: Make it OBVIOUS and SIMPLE.

We’re most likely to do what’s in front of us, and momentum is our friend. Experts recommend “stacking” or “chaining” your habits: instead of trying to start doing New Habit Y out of the blue, plan to do Y directly after doing Existing Habit X, so you use the momentum of your current habit (say, brushing your teeth) to swing into your new habit (say, meditating).

Step 2: Articulate your habit plan with extreme clarity. Complete the sentence, “I will [behavior] at [time] in [location].”

  • I will spend 10 minutes meditating after getting my morning coffee, in my yellow chair.
  • I will hand a $5 bill to each person I see with a sign or verbal request for money, whether I’m walking or driving.
  • I will read 10 pages of a book by Audre Lorde at 10:00 pm in my bed.

Step 3: Set yourself up to make this as easy and obvious as humanly possible.

  • Clean the laundry off the yellow chair.
  • Make a list of ways to meditate and place it next to the chair.
  • Go to the ATM; get 10 $5 bills; put some of them in an envelope in your car console and some of them in a paper clip in your wallet. Stick a post-it note to your steering wheel.

Principle: Make it SATISFYING.

In the habit-formation stage, we are not above treats and rewards. Make doing the habit pleasurable (comfortable! cute! whatever!), and give yourself an immediate reward for having done it. This may not last forever, but it is crucial for now.

Step 4: Complete the sentence, “After I [new habit], I will [reward].”

  • After I finish meditating, I will put a sticker on my sticker chart.
  • After I give a $5 bill, I will say to myself, “I am the kind of person who gives to those in need!” and text a friend.
  • After I read my 10 pages, I will eat a piece of chocolate.

Principle: Make it COMMUNAL.

New habits grow best in a supportive culture and community. This here website can be your community, but you’ll do best with a single buddy to keep you on track. Also: most of us love a gold star! (NB: I don’t think this is what Jesus was railing against when he cautioned listeners not to broadcast their giving or praying. This isn’t bragging, it’s habit formation; we need all the help we can get.)

Step 5: Choose a habit partner—text them right now!—and agree to text that person regularly (be clear: every day? Every week? Every time you do the thing?) to check in. If you need gold stars, ask for and give them. THIS IS WHAT EMOJIS AND GIFS ARE FOR. If you don’t know who to ask, pick me!!!

* * * * *

YES, this sounds kind of silly and overwrought. We’re consenting to learn in public here, and we’ll each refine our habit-formation process as we go. But the Table doesn’t just happen spontaneously. We know what kind of people we want to be; let’s start being those people in concrete ways. Small wins.

Any other good habit-formation tips you can share? Tell us in the comments what your plan is—your specific sentence, plus anything you’re doing to make it easy and the name of your buddy!

I’ll start: I will spend 10 minutes meditating each day after getting my morning coffee, in my yellow chair. (When I'm traveling, I'll designate another spot.) I'm cleaning off the yellow chair and hanging a sticker chart & list of meditation ideas next to it. Dabney is my partner; after I meditate, I'll text her, and she will respond with a star or a GIF. (Y'all, this is a lot of effort for one habit. It had better work!) OK, what have you got?