Mommentary

(This is no longer a hot take! We’re going to pretend it is, because Paralympics! I'm adjusting to the new schedule!)

You know Area Mom? The Onion’s effigy of (white, middle-class) American mothers, who raves about the Phoenix airport, or who’s off thinking about Princess Diana again?

I’ve been a mom for almost seventeen years now (oh help) and have started leaning waaaay into the Area Mom vibe. Area Mom Just Wishes This Movie Were a Little Less Violent. Area Mom Wants to Know If Everyone’s Hydrated. The less of my time is consumed by hands-on care and feeding, the more I can compartmentalize and concentrate my Area Momness and just really let that particular freak flag fly in just a few appropriate contexts.

Like watching the Olympics, FOR INSTANCE.

I haven’t watched this much Olympics in years and: yikes, suddenly instead of always identifying with the athletes, now I’m sometimes identifying with their parents or coaches??? (Oh help) And when I remember these hard-core performers are somebody’s babies, I turn right into Area Mom.

Now, HERE’S THE THING. I think it’d be nice—and I’ve run this past a scattered focus group of at least four (4) friends, who agree—if televised Olympics coverage included an optional picture-in-picture widget called Mommentary. (There should also be an optional widget just constantly explaining scoring for the current event, over and over and over, but that’s another matter.) The mommentator would watch along with the rest of us and give voice to our awe, anxiety, and good ideas for improvement. Think Kelly Clarkson’s energy during the opening ceremonies, applied in a stream of consciousness to every Olympic event.

Sample remarks from my tenure as an amateur 2024 Summer Olympics mommentator:

• Now, these divers all have nice butts!
• Honestly, it feels like someone could have planned this a little better.
• Ohhh girl. Oh sweetie pie. Sweet love sweetie pie. You’ve got this!
• I just don’t want anyone to DUNK anyone else. They’re just trying to keep their literal HEADS above water! Let’s add a rule, everyone: no dunking! Let’s just agree!
• Ah! The artistic swimmers also have nice butts! Has anyone made a nice infographic about how swimsuit butt coverage has changed over time? I’d love to see it!
• Now, this young man here. Have you seen the memes about him? Hold on, I’m going to show you the memes. Hold on, I’m over my Screen Time limit on Instagram. Never mind, I screenshotted the memes. Hold on, I’ll find them. OPE! Here’s a picture of the dog from yesterday. Did I send you that one?! How cute is she?!? OK, those memes.
• OK, now, if B-boy Hiro10 doesn’t win this, I think we genuinely might need to write to the IOC.
• COLLECTIVE ACTION TIIIME! Let’s all write to the IOC. Look at Hiro10! He’s crying! In what actual way was Victor “better,” please?
• Do I suddenly like basketball when it’s played by women?! Are women just better at basketball than men?!
• YES, I am crying. Stop ASKING am I CRYING, when you can SEE that I’m CRYING

In the Mommentary widget, there would be a lot of of hands on hips, a lot of watching through fingers, a lot of on-air Googling and delightedly sharing new (“new”) information: Simone Biles is afraid of bees!

Snoop could join, since he also has (albeit significantly chiller*) mom energy.

ALL OF WHICH TO SAY, let’s get a mommentator for 2028. Or 2026! Or a series of mommentators!

ALL OF WHICH ALSO TO SAY: since devising this plan, I’ve been applying it in other contexts, as well. What might the mommentator say about this campaign season? About JD Effing Vance and his poor donuts? Assuredly there will be some mommentary in the coming weeks.

POLITICAL ACTION THIS WEEK: I’m hearing that weekly donations to the Harris/Walz campaign have the biggest impact: helps them budget, indicates long-lasting support, etc. I’m going to donate $5 or $10 a week until the election. Join me here!

xoxoxo